I have been spending the past couple of days lodging an intense investigation into the heinous acts perpetrated against the Fire Hydrant Club over the weekend. Not only was a flaming poop bag dropped upon the doorstep of the clubhouse, but we Sunflower sisters were framed as the guilty parties.
Now, those of you familiar with the Sunflower Sisters and The Fire Hydrant Club know that we have a healthy rivalry. But when it comes to arson, that is just something we Sisters would never be involved in.
I knew in order to clear the good name of we Sunflower Sisters, I would need hard evidence of our innocence.
Now, I knew that we were nowhere near the Fire Hydrant clubhouse on the night in question. In fact, during the window of time determined to be "caught on tape" we were actually down at the shelter delivering meals.
A group of us took some time away from our party to go over and help the less fortunate. Here is the "original tape" that we pulled from the security cam.
So, I had cleared our name by proving that we were not involved in the caper at the club. But what really did happen? Who was behind this debacle? The true perp had to be exposed.
The first thing I did was get an evidence bag and head over to the scene of the crime. I was able to collect a sample from remnants of the poop bag. I then sent it to the lab where doggy poop DNA is processed.
What is that you say? You have never heard of such a lab? Allow me to submit an excerpt from a recent NY Times article.
Tracing Unscooped Dog Waste Back to the Culprit
By KATIE ZEZIMA
Sherlock Holmes had the case of the dog that didn’t bark, but it has taken two dozen apartment complexes and a testing company in Tennessee to bring the art of canine detection into the “CSI” age.
And the evidence is right underfoot.
Canine DNA is now being used to identify the culprits who fail to clean up after their pets, an offense that Deborah Violette, for one, is committed to eradicating at the apartment complex she manages.
Everyone who owns a dog in her complex, Timberwood Commons in Lebanon, N.H., must submit a sample of its DNA, taken by rubbing a cotton swab around inside the animal’s mouth.
The swab is sent to BioPet Vet Lab, a Knoxville, Tenn., company that enters it into a worldwide database. If Ms. Violette finds an unscooped pile, she can take a sample, mail it to Knoxville and use a DNA match to identify the offending owner.
Called PooPrints, the system costs $29.99 for the swabbing kit, $10 for a vial to hold the samples and $50 to analyze them, which usually takes a week or two. The company says that about two dozen apartment complexes around the country have signed up for the service. In 2008, the Israeli city of Petah Tikva created a dog DNA database for the same purpose.
“It’s kind of like the F.B.I., but on a much smaller scale,” said Eric Mayer, director of franchise development for BioPet Vet Lab, which makes the kits.
Ms. Violette said that at her complex, which opened in December and has a designated building for pet owners, unwanted surprises have sometimes been found on lawns.
“We had a little bit of a problem,” Ms. Violette said. “Enough that I wanted to try to nip it in the bud.”
Dog owners were notified about the testing last week, and most are now taking their pets in to provide DNA samples. But not everyone.
“I’ve had some people say it’s completely over the top and ridiculous,” Ms. Violette said. “I’m sure I’ll have a few people who won’t come in, and I’m sure those are the people we’ll have to chase and those are the people who are doing it.”
Tom Boyd, the founder and chief executive of BioPet Vet Lab, said the company made the kits in response to the large of numbers of the dogs in the United States and to health concerns connected to dog feces. According to the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, there are about 75 million dogs in the United States.
“If you took 75 million Americans and said they no longer have a commode, can you imagine what would happen in a week?” Mr. Boyd asked.
Not everyone is on board with the idea, though.
Karen Harvey of Forest Property Management in McCall, Idaho, said her company was not prepared to collect canine samples along with the rent checks. “If you allow pets, that sort of comes with it,” Ms. Harvey said. “I guess I would never take the issue of dog poop that far.”
You'll never guess what the lab test revealed...
They determined that the said poop, was not that of a canine! It was in fact the excrement of ....The Honey Badger!!!!!
That's right, that bitter bad ass honey badger was exploiting the Sunflower Sisters good name, and I've got the cold hard proof.
I had to sneak on over to that interlopers burrow to capture him on film, tampering with video tape to indicate us in the caper!
I hope that this submission of evidence proves our innocence. Perhaps from here, we may have to join together with the boys to bring that dirty badger to justice!
Whadaya think Sluggo? Will you put in a good word for us?